The Rantings of a Madman. My Life is Pointless.
Sigh. You know, you go into college and come out of college with such aspirations. I honestly thought I could make a difference. I mean, at UCSC we even fostered this mindset. "The number 1 reason why a student chooses to go to UCSC is because they 'want to change the world and felt this was the best place to do so.'" It's a belief that I always subscribed to. Even when meaningless politics muddied the thinking and idealist standards we all held ourselves to, I was always optimistic. Life could only get better.
Here I am, a temp in a job I hate. Hate with a passion. I'm not even getting paid a decent amount. Well, anything more than zero is a decent amount but compared to what other people get, it's not decent. On top of that, I don't get holiday pay or overtime pay, despite staying until 7, 8, 9 at night. I don't really mind, it's my work ethic, but it's frustrating knowing that as a temp, I'm not really needed. I don't hold any position of value in this company. I always thought that I'd be able to do something worthwhile, that I'd be able to do something important. In UCSC, I spent the last 3 years there doing worthwhile activities. I worked in departments that helped out students. I was able to be an RA and work with students. I was able to be a tour guide and work with prospective students. I was able to do favors for CREs, CPCs, CAOs, Provosts, other RAs, students, friends, some of the people I had the most respect for in the world. I was even allowed to speak at graduation, an honor I treasure and will treasure forever. Now? I honestly think that if I didn't show up for work starting tomorrow, it wouldn't matter. What would change? Honestly? My boss would have to do his own grunt work? Not likely. He'd pass that off. My manhours spares each person probably an hour of extra work a day. They're all already 2 hours behind everyday. Drops in the ocean.
I swear, if I don't get out SOON, I'm going to go mad. I'm going to go completely psychotic. I'm going to go homicidal. I need AN OUT. Mr. Wizard, I need an exit.
Here I am, a temp in a job I hate. Hate with a passion. I'm not even getting paid a decent amount. Well, anything more than zero is a decent amount but compared to what other people get, it's not decent. On top of that, I don't get holiday pay or overtime pay, despite staying until 7, 8, 9 at night. I don't really mind, it's my work ethic, but it's frustrating knowing that as a temp, I'm not really needed. I don't hold any position of value in this company. I always thought that I'd be able to do something worthwhile, that I'd be able to do something important. In UCSC, I spent the last 3 years there doing worthwhile activities. I worked in departments that helped out students. I was able to be an RA and work with students. I was able to be a tour guide and work with prospective students. I was able to do favors for CREs, CPCs, CAOs, Provosts, other RAs, students, friends, some of the people I had the most respect for in the world. I was even allowed to speak at graduation, an honor I treasure and will treasure forever. Now? I honestly think that if I didn't show up for work starting tomorrow, it wouldn't matter. What would change? Honestly? My boss would have to do his own grunt work? Not likely. He'd pass that off. My manhours spares each person probably an hour of extra work a day. They're all already 2 hours behind everyday. Drops in the ocean.
I swear, if I don't get out SOON, I'm going to go mad. I'm going to go completely psychotic. I'm going to go homicidal. I need AN OUT. Mr. Wizard, I need an exit.
posted by Chris "Krang" Yang | 3:24 PM
1 Comments:
Hey,
In light of your some what depressing yet very familiar posting (I thought I would say HI! This is Anna class of 2004. Me and Aaron use to watch angel with u remember), I am assuring you that you are not alone. Lots of college grads are going through the horrible job phase. After UCSC, life did seem pretty pointless. I loved every idea I read about, and believed that happiness revolved around sharing ideas about reading & writing. I still do. In fact after I graduated, I got on the data entry band wagon (SHITTY ASS FUCK JOB. THE FUCKING HELL MOUTH. I remember looking at all the shit I had to do at work and wishing that I could just off myself), I quit, took a GRE class, and am currently trying to find a job (hopefully) teaching.
There were many low points this year, but they do build character =LOL:0). I don't think I'll ever get bored thinking about theory and literature. I have good friends that remind me that these episodes that happen in our early twenties are simply bumps in the road, and still have the ambition to try to get into grad school.
It seems to me that those who generally love what they do, whether it be reading, writing, or helping people (and its obvious that you do), will do what they love no matter what. It just takes some Time and we don't often believe we have that Time. At this age, the need to keep up with an ideal is always prevalent (It is a TOTAL SHAM), and the rush to get older drives us mad.
As painful as this may seem, experiencing ups and downs is inevitable. My consciousness coming out of the UCSC environment taught me that the fight to change the world (I have problems with this phrase. It’s the idealism because the next question would be change the world into what = Utopia) comes from simplistic actions, ideas that we experience on a daily basis, and will always be an ongoing fight.
I currently created a blog (http://www.livejournal.com/users/tukka05/). Feel free to leave a comment. I hope the rest of your year is fabulous and a newly packaged Buffy set recently came out (you probably already knew that).
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