Impending Departure

So... I bought my plane ticket outta Beantown. It's a one-way plane ticket on JetBlue that leaves Thursday afternoon at 4:40 pm.

This is it. I know that I'm excited about leaving but I can't help feeling some feelings in the neighborhood of... regret?

Part of the reason why I wanted to move out here in the first place was that it was an opportunity for a fresh start. Not that I was ... say... wanted by the mafia or put on a government hit list. I just wanted a chance to do something or go somewhere that I wouldn't have done before. Perhaps Mike was right... maybe I'm too cinematic.

I'm not sure what I was looking for exactly. A new job? For sure. A new city? Definitely. But beyond that, I'm not sure. I do know that there was an appeal of going somewhere and being able to redefine my life parameters. It's still appealing. All those mistakes you make? The ones you feel you can't live down? You can actually run away from all that. But, as we've all felt, experiences build the person. It's a cliche but it's a cliche for a reason. We are the sum total of our mistakes.

So I'm sitting here... nearly 1 year and 4 months after first moving out here and, upon reflection, this was both a success and a failure.

It was a success because I did manage to find more things about myself, my life, and my ambitions. I was able to find skills and abilities that I wouldn't have found if I hadn't needed to find a new job. I was able to find new friends who I definitely wouldn't have met if I hadn't come out here. I survived in a new city and thrived in some respects. I got to know this city a lot quicker than I have any other place that I've lived. I even went to a bunch of games in Fenway and learned that baseball's actually pretty interesting... especially when you're freakin' surrounded by it.

It was a failure, however, because I didn't manage to succeed in building a brand new life. More accurately, I wasn't able to leave my old life behind. This past year's been difficult because I'm inclined to think in terms of San Jose life. It's like when you learn a new language: in your head, you still have to process thoughts in the language you spoke before. And, the more time I spent thinking about San Jose, the more I found myself wishing I was back there.

I realize that I am making a rather hasty judgment in this sense. I've been told that I need to spend 2 years in a place to grow comfortable there. I can understand this sentiment and I feel that if I were to spend another year here, I could probably feel fairly comfortable. However, like I mentioned before, I wanted to be closer to family. Also, right now, calendar-wise, the new school year's approaching and now was the time to find a job that I really wanted. If you've ever played poker with me you'd know that, with some exceptions, I'm generally a hasty decision maker. I tend to make decisions about myself and my life in a fairly quick manner. (This is also why I'm susceptible to impulse purchases.)

So, here I am... pros and cons for staying and leaving. I figured, in the end, if there was a way on the scale I WANTED to error, it'd be toward the leaving side of the scale. After all, I think my support system is better in California (which would make sense, considering that I lived in California for 23 years and in Boston for 1.3 years). It may be the simple answer. It may be the quick answer. But, ultimately, I want comfort and familiarity. In my time here, I've realized that I enjoyed my life there. So... that's that.

I don't know what the point of this post was. Catharsis, I suppose. Some weird denouement for
my East Coast time. There are things I'll miss here, however. A couple people I'm going to miss a lot. I'm going to miss my job to some extent. I'm going to miss the public transportation system (but I'm NOT going to miss NOT having a car. Jeez, having a car makes life so much easier). I'm going to miss Yawkey Way and Fenway Franks. I'm going to miss the Johnny's Fresh Market right around the corner. But... it's for the better, I think. My little Boston tangent is coming to an end and I'm ready for the next chapter in my life (and I think I just mixed a metaphor there... subtly).

Anyway, I'm now sitting here, 5 days away from my plane ticket out, listening to Jason Robert Brown, and reminiscing. To be honest, I should be packing more stuff but I think I'll probably end up watching a movie and going to bed early. My brain hurts...